Thinking about the times with my Miss. Hardin

Up late and wish I could go to sleep but thanks to my three year old, I guess we will be staying up tonight. I was flipping the remote and came across the show "The Golden Girls'. I love this show, but it was the strangest feeling tonight as I was watching the show, I could feel myself in my grandma's house when I was little watching that show. I could feel the heat in her house, because she use to keep her house so hot. I could just feel the whole scene of us watching this show, up late at night like we use to. I do miss her, I use to stay with her a lot on weekends and I always had fun. She would let me paint her nails and fix her hair, man did she love to shop. Because she drove so slow, it use to take us forever to get to the mall but once we got there, she could out walk me in the mall. She was someone that never judged people, once I was a teenager and got into an argument with my mom, I could go spend the night with her and she would ask no questions and still have my cereal ready for me the next morning. I remember I always called her Mrs. Hardin because everyone around me called her that, anyways she use to ask me to call her Grandma or Minnie. I remember trying but it just never sounded right to me. I sure do wish now that I would have called her one of those names. Most importantly she loved the Lord, she use to love dressing up and going to church. My mom raised me as a Jehovah's wittiness and she use to beg me to just try going to church and every since the day she went to be with the Lord I have attended her home church. I miss my grandma (aka, Miss Hardin and Melvenna)

Two year Anniversary

Happy Two Year Anniversary to my wonderful husband and I!!
 It is so hard to believe it has been two year already, but we have made it and we are happy. Not to say we have not had our ups and downs because it is no secret that the devil has pulled at us in every way these past two years. I truly think that has made us even stronger, they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...... WOW if that is not the truth I don't know what is. I must admit that I do hope the worst is behind us and now we just move forward but I think we are both aware that if the devil is not on your back then you are not living like you should. 
 I feel so lucky to have slipped up and met a man that loves Josh and Katie like they are his and that does everything he can to make us happy. I pray this next year together will just bring us even more closer to God, to each other, and just close as a family. I love you Michael Dwayne Tuck and hope to have many many more years with you.

Josh's 11th and Katie's 9th Birthday party!!

 

 My babies are growing up and that is no secret!! This year I tried to make them have a special birthday party and it seemed successful, I had it at Trinity Health and fittnes and it was a swim party. I, like any other parent was so worried that nobody would show up but this year I am so thankful for everyone that showed up and showed my kids love. There was such a great turn out that I did not even get a piece of cake! Every kid that left said they had a great time and Josh and Katie had the biggest smiles on there face the whole time. By the end of the party I was one tired but happy mama!!

A poem that touched me

Mask

© Potsim And Pikachu

I was once sad and lonely,
Having nobody to comfort me,
So I wore a mask that always smiled;
To hide my feelings behind a lie.

Before long, I had many friends;
With my mask, I was one of them.
But deep inside, I still felt empty,
Like I was missing a part of me.

Nobody could hear my cries at night
For I designed my mask to hide the lies.
Nobody could see the pain I was feeling
For I designed my mask to be laughing.

Behind all the smiles were the tears
And behind all the comfort were the fears.
Everything you think you see,
Wasn't everything there was to me.

Day by day,
I was slowly dying.
I couldn't go on,
There was something missing..

Until now I'm still searching
For the thing that'll stop my crying.
For someone who'll erase my fears,
For the person who'll wipe my tears.

But till then I'll keep on smiling.
Hiding behind this mask I'm wearing.
Hoping one day I can smile,
Till then, I'll be here.. waiting.

Source: My Mask That Always Smiled, Alone Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-mask-that-always-smiled#ixzz1uthkQpxu
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com

Slightly broken hearted....

   Today I made my Josh and Katie's birthday party plans and to my surprise... I created the event on face book to invite all my friends, well I go to pick people out of my church and as I am looking for all the people in my Sunday school class, none of them are my friends on face book. I have been dealing with a feeling of not being excepted in my church for about a year but for them to go and delete me... I just don't understand. Some of the people I don't hardly know but some of them I have known for a long time. I just don't get why these people are being so mean to me. I always considered myself a really nice person and Mayo first baptist is my home church and now I feel like they are just kicking me out. It took me years to find a church that I loved as much as I loved that church and it is like all of a sudden they just don't care about me..... I am hurt and I am determined to find me a new home church, I know it will take time but I know it will happen. When I do, I will never make someone feel the way this church has made me feel. I don't even know half these people but they know I am in there Sunday school class, and know that I have missed some Sunday's, it just seems they would be trying to get me back instead of pushing me away. I will pick my heart up and keep going but I pray they realize how they have hurt me. I really do..

What a dissappointment

I am a person that does not like change but I realize when it is time to make change. Over the past year my husband and I have not had a spiritual happiness. I am determined to find that happiness so I know I have got to move on and find a new church home. I was raised mostly  a Jehovah's witness and I know that is not what I want. As I was being raised I was always told that people in a church will look down on you and they are all hypocrites. I found that to be true in the church of Jehovah witnesses, I seen lots of different groups. I started going to a Baptist church and at first, not one person treated me different and my husband loved it! Well, that changed... The past year has been so uncomfortable to keep going and just hope that people will want to hang with us or maybe not act like we are in the room. I can't say how hurt I am. I have never seen this many fake people but I know I will find happiness again and if not at the next place I look I will keep searching!

My pity party

 I don't really know what is going on with me. I am so depressed lately and I can't seem to overcome it. My back pain is severe and the arthritis I have is just unbearable. I feel like I am always hiding my pain and I don't know why. I just pray that we get medical insurance soon. I know how bad I need medicine. The worst is that I have not been to school in 5 weeks :( The last week I went I took Josh and Katie with me to do there hair and I was crying in pain. I can't believe I jumped into this without thinking of my pain. I was just so happy when I got a call asking me did I want to come and do something I always wanted to do. I can't believe I am 32 and in so much pain

New Year's Resolutions!!!

This year has came and gone so fast, it is just hard to believe. I got my resolutions ready so here we go...
1. Get my depression taken care of. I know I have a problem and I love my family to much to just let it get me. Don't knock someone with depression unless you have suffered from it. It truly gets you and is so hard to control
2. LOSE WEIGHT... I don't even know how I got this fat so fast but I am  and I got to lose it
3. Be a better wife
4. Be a better parent
5. Get closer to God 
6. Be more productive
7. Watch my anger
8. Keep a cleaner house
9. Pray more
10. Try to stop pleasing others so much

There you have it, my 10 New Years Resolutions for 2012

Wordless Wednesday....

100 facts about me!!!

It is my 100th post... so here is 100 facts about me!!!!
1.My whole name is Amanda Gail Hardin Tuck
2. I have 3 wonderful kids, Josh,Katie,and Ada
3.I have a wonderful husband Michael Tuck
4. I am going to palmetto beauty college
5.I seriously want to lose weight
6. I miss having friends that I use to have
7. I am a sinner saved by Christ's grace!!
8. I have been married three times
9. My birthday is 5-3-79
10. Josh's birthday is 4-20-01
11. Katie's birthday is 3-29-03
12. Ada's birthday is 10-10-08
13. My wedding anniversary is May 20th
14. My favorite color is blue
15. My favorite food is Lobster
16. My favorite drink is Sprite
17. My favorite actor is Nicholas Cage
18. I love love Clemson football!!
19. I love football period
20. My best friend is Christie Bradburn
21. My have the best dad in the world
22. I have 3 half sisters and one half brother
23. I was raised half Jehovah witness and half Baptist
24. I do believe in love at first sight
25. Michael Tuck is my soul mate!
26. My kids are my life
27. I love going to church
28. I have learned a lot of hard lessons in life
29. I am way too trust worthy
30. I have major social anxiety
31. I hate people that pretend to like me but don't
32.I love to blog
33. I love tv
34. I am scared of mice
35.I love cats
36. I love to shop
37. I wish I had stronger faith
38. I cry easily
39. I don't have good eyes
40. I had to have a major back surgery in 06
41. I wish I had more friends
42. I do have a problem with depression and that sucks
43. I forgive easy
44. I love chocolate
45. I love Young and the Restless
46. I love country music the best
47. I love all music
48. I love buying things for other people
49. 2 years ago my daughter, Katie had a really bad 4 wheeler wreck
50. I love to sit in hot tubs
51. I love to swim
52. I love going on long drives
53. I hate seeing other people hurt
54. I hope to hit the lottery one day
55. A lot of things still bother me from my past
56. I have migraines
57. I have a lot of pain from my back surgery
58. I like to take long walks by myself
59. I hate hypocrites 
60. I wish I had a closer family
61. I waited tables for a long time
62. I have been arrested several times in my past
63. In my past, I did a lot of partying 
64. I hope to travel one day
65. My kids always make me smile
66. Never been on a plane
67. When depressed or upset I turn to food
68. I love to look at paintings
69. I like history
70. I like doing hair
71. favorite holiday is Halloween
72. I wish my kids could stay babies forever
73. If I had more money, I would want another baby
74. I dream a lot
75. It is sometimes hard for me to let things go
76. I wish I had smaller feet
77. I wish smoking pot was not illegal. Truth be told :/
78. I wish Michael would stop smoking
79. Mine and Michael's Hotel we always go to is the Holiday Inn in Duncan :) LOL That is our place
80. Michael was the first man to buy me a real diamond
81. I wish I was a better house cleaner
82. I wish Michael would take better care of his diabetes
83. I love to take long hot baths
84. I think I will always struggle with this stupid face acne
85. I breast fed all three of my kids for 3 months
86. I am crazy when I get really mad
89. I am glad I gave another religion a try besides Jehovah Witnesses. 
90. I don't judge other people for there choice of relgion
91. I am glad to be an American
92. I hate cancer
93. I worry way to much
94. I argue with my mom  a lot but I do love her
95. My car is ALWAYS dirty
96. I wish I had bigger boobs
97. I know God has helped me with a lot of problems
98. I know my kids love me and that is the best feeling ever!!
99. I love to get flowers
100. I like to read my horoscope just for the fun of it!!
Well there you have it.... 100 facts about Amanda Tuck

Wordless Wednesday.... Katie fixed my hair and make-up :)

Ada singing :)

Depression strikes again

This is one of those days or we can say one of those weeks... I know I struggle with depression and really bad social anxiety. I really wish I did not, but I do. I guess the season don't help and the fact that I really try so hard to fit in but I just don't feel like I do. I so remember the days when I had so many friends it was almost like they fought over me but now I have No girlfriends, my husband works all the time and I truly have the most dysfunctional family ever. I just get so down that I don't won't to move. Food and bed seem to be my only comfort. I feel so bad because I have to most wonderful kids and yet I am to busy being depressed. I so know it is a fact, that you can not control depression and the social anxiety that I have. I cannot wait to go to the doctor and hope to get on medication. That also could be a problem for me, we don't have health insurance and I have had back surgery, so I really hurt. It is not easy, then I feel guilty for always being down when I know of so many people that are having hard times but I really cannot control it. New Years resolution # 1... find a way to deal with my personal problems, #2 I need friends

More of 2011 Christmas play

Josh and Katie both did such a great job... A mama has got some bragging rights :)

Wordless Wednesday...Clemson going to the Orange bowl

2011 Christmas play

This year Katie had a solo in the Christmas play and did a wonderful job !! They always make a mama proud :)

Five question friday!!

1. What is your favorite Christmas cookie?

 I am just plain Jane,I like peanut butter cookies!!

2. What's your favorite holiday movie & why?

 Home Alone because my kids love it and I have seen it a million and one time but still laugh everytime

3. Is there a gift that you bought for your kids that you wish you hadnt after they opened it? Well I have a 3 year old so I always regret the noise makers

4. What is the messiest room in your house right at this moment?

  Gotta say it is my bedroom. That is where all the clothes go after the dryer and they are piled high on clothes baskets. Not to mention my husband works second so that is a room that is hard to clean because of different sleep times

5. What is the furthest you have driven for the holidays?

I don't have family out of town so the furthest I have been is the big town of Woodruff! LOL

Having a heavy heart

 It is almost Christmas time again! It really can be the most wonderful time of the year. I have realized this year that I have so much to be grateful for, I have my family and as far as I know we are pretty healthy. Just a few weeks ago a wonderful lady passed away from a two year battle with cancer and she was only 46!! I know God has a plan but I just pray when it comes my time to be challenged I can be as strong as some of the people I have seen lately with there faith being tested. I also know another great Christian man that is battling cancer, Randy Anderson is his name, and every time I text him to see how he is doing his reply is always "everything is going as planned" that just amazes me. My heart has just been so heavy for the families of all the cancer victims. It will truly be a blessed day when sickness will be no more.Till that day I know we got to leave it all in Gods hands and trust in him. I know he has helped me so much in my life. How great is our God??

We made it past Halloween!!

 I love holidays! I really do, I do wish I had more money when it comes to holidays but we make do with what we got!! This year we started the celebrating with a trunk a treat at church! It was fun and it really amazes me to see how much our church has grown from last year.This year Ada was a monkey, Katie was a pirate, and Josh was a Ninja. We truly do heart holidays!! P.S Michael was Uncle Fester!! :)

Bittersweet learning experience!!

I got to write about all my learning experiences and this one was a good one. I have become religious the past few years of my life and I am proud of my relationship I have with God. Along with that I had to learn the hard way that you don't go to church for friends. I got burned but it made me stronger. I was a stay at home mother and I am the first to admit that gets lonely but I now know that there is always going to be clicks in church or where ever it may be. I realize you cannot change it. I am my simple redneck self and that is who I am. I love people and I hurt easy. I know I have changed because I am determined that I don't need the friends that are not real. I now go to church for God and God only. I was stupid and thought that maybe I could find some good wholesome friends but I am okay with what it may be now. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me and why is it hard for me to have friends that truly like me for who I am but I know God will take care of me. I am thankful to God for not letting me go..... I see now that I cannot keep running from my problems just because I am upset. God will make me happy one day as far as having friends and in ever other way I need. I know the devil knows how to get me and I know my weakness just as he does.