Let them talk..

  I think there comes a time in every one's life where you just realize that everyone is going to talk about you so you start to laugh about it. I have had family, friends, so called best friends, people I work with, people I go to church with, and friends of friends talk about me. It is crazy and it is a little sad but I guess it is true... they really have nothing better to do. It is a shame that people will concentrate so hard on making another persons life a mess as if in this time and age everyone don't already have enough problems. 
 So it is true, all you can do is smile about it and keep your head held high. I also let my inner goddess smirk at the fact I am so important to other people... One day it will be that we all love each other and I wait for that day!! A day at peace with no crazy jealousy, no hate, just love for one another!!

Slightly broken hearted....

   Today I made my Josh and Katie's birthday party plans and to my surprise... I created the event on face book to invite all my friends, well I go to pick people out of my church and as I am looking for all the people in my Sunday school class, none of them are my friends on face book. I have been dealing with a feeling of not being excepted in my church for about a year but for them to go and delete me... I just don't understand. Some of the people I don't hardly know but some of them I have known for a long time. I just don't get why these people are being so mean to me. I always considered myself a really nice person and Mayo first baptist is my home church and now I feel like they are just kicking me out. It took me years to find a church that I loved as much as I loved that church and it is like all of a sudden they just don't care about me..... I am hurt and I am determined to find me a new home church, I know it will take time but I know it will happen. When I do, I will never make someone feel the way this church has made me feel. I don't even know half these people but they know I am in there Sunday school class, and know that I have missed some Sunday's, it just seems they would be trying to get me back instead of pushing me away. I will pick my heart up and keep going but I pray they realize how they have hurt me. I really do..

What a dissappointment

I am a person that does not like change but I realize when it is time to make change. Over the past year my husband and I have not had a spiritual happiness. I am determined to find that happiness so I know I have got to move on and find a new church home. I was raised mostly  a Jehovah's witness and I know that is not what I want. As I was being raised I was always told that people in a church will look down on you and they are all hypocrites. I found that to be true in the church of Jehovah witnesses, I seen lots of different groups. I started going to a Baptist church and at first, not one person treated me different and my husband loved it! Well, that changed... The past year has been so uncomfortable to keep going and just hope that people will want to hang with us or maybe not act like we are in the room. I can't say how hurt I am. I have never seen this many fake people but I know I will find happiness again and if not at the next place I look I will keep searching!

Having a heavy heart

 It is almost Christmas time again! It really can be the most wonderful time of the year. I have realized this year that I have so much to be grateful for, I have my family and as far as I know we are pretty healthy. Just a few weeks ago a wonderful lady passed away from a two year battle with cancer and she was only 46!! I know God has a plan but I just pray when it comes my time to be challenged I can be as strong as some of the people I have seen lately with there faith being tested. I also know another great Christian man that is battling cancer, Randy Anderson is his name, and every time I text him to see how he is doing his reply is always "everything is going as planned" that just amazes me. My heart has just been so heavy for the families of all the cancer victims. It will truly be a blessed day when sickness will be no more.Till that day I know we got to leave it all in Gods hands and trust in him. I know he has helped me so much in my life. How great is our God??

Bittersweet learning experience!!

I got to write about all my learning experiences and this one was a good one. I have become religious the past few years of my life and I am proud of my relationship I have with God. Along with that I had to learn the hard way that you don't go to church for friends. I got burned but it made me stronger. I was a stay at home mother and I am the first to admit that gets lonely but I now know that there is always going to be clicks in church or where ever it may be. I realize you cannot change it. I am my simple redneck self and that is who I am. I love people and I hurt easy. I know I have changed because I am determined that I don't need the friends that are not real. I now go to church for God and God only. I was stupid and thought that maybe I could find some good wholesome friends but I am okay with what it may be now. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me and why is it hard for me to have friends that truly like me for who I am but I know God will take care of me. I am thankful to God for not letting me go..... I see now that I cannot keep running from my problems just because I am upset. God will make me happy one day as far as having friends and in ever other way I need. I know the devil knows how to get me and I know my weakness just as he does.

Giving up on worrying........

Lately I must say I have been feeling a sense of relief with my life. I know it all came from the man upstairs, prayer is amazing and I do know that but I am human and did get weak. I still have most of my same problems but with the help of prayer, my wonderful church family, great friends, and more...I learned to not worry  and for the most part I think I finally learned how to just give it all to God!! That was so hard, when I would hear people say that. I just did not understand how to give money problems to God, well I now see that if I could not truly give it to him then I did not have faith in my wonderful Lord!! I now believe he will take care of me and it is crazy but I feel myself getting better. People trust me when I say this, worrying can make you sick!! I was not sleeping, turning to food and just a wreck!! All I did was worry about how we was going to pay this, how we gonna make sure the kids get a good Christmas, how we gonna eat, where is Michael gonna work, and so on and so on..... It was making me depressed and just taking over my life!! What a eye opener it was for me to learn the definition of the word "worry"- It means to torture oneself with thought. It means to actually torment yourself!! What?? Why torment yourself when God is telling you and begging you to just give everything to him!! I pray that I keep this positive attitude I have and just keep asking God to help me because I can really tell a difference!! It feels almost like a weight has been lifted off of me. I now just feel guilty for not having strong faith in God before. Michael got laid off of his job and I just kinda gave up there for a second. I know the past is the past and I know God forgives me, I just hope I learn from that mistake and stay strong the next time "the devil" comes prowling. I know he will always be on me but I was reminded that " God knows ALL temptation".  We have a wonderful God and I am so glad to know him and thankful for that cross!!!

one step forward and quite a few backwards:(

 It seems we are taking one step forward and about twenty steps back. Michael just got an email that he did not get the job he had been waiting weeks to get. It is hard to be positive because we both were so excited about this job and it sounded so promising. I know we have got to pick ourselves up and keep looking. I am trying so hard to not be depressed in front on Michael because I know he is so down. It is just so hard sometimes. I just really feel like it is our time to get something good. I mean we really would not have any luck at all if it was not for bad luck. I know if we stay strong that God does have a plan I hope he doesn't get upset with me whining at this time because I do have faith. I really do, I am just down and depressed at this time. I don't know the answer to making yourself not be depressed because I have tried everything and sometimes it just hits me. I am praying that God just take us in his hands and make it to where we can just have somewhat of a worry free life.

still being tested

It seems we are really being tested left and right are everything is just going wrong!! So far the second week on Michael being laid off the water pump went out on the van so we just have the Saturn to drive that has no air, I went to get my medications and had to pay full price because apparently mine and the kids medicaid had ran out, Michael's check did not go in when it normally does, so we are broke because that check has to be mailed, and my camera broke.
 The water pump went out and the belt broke on our van!! My dad said he will be able to fix it pretty cheap so I am not to worried about that because I know my dad has always taken care of my cars and if he says not to worry then I trust him. This weekend we just had to pile up in the small Saturn that has not air but at least we had a back up car!! I do realize how lucky we are to have my dad!!
 The Medicaid going out, I am just hoping after I go and apply again my kids will at least get it back. Josh has to take allergy shots twice a month and four different medications everyday for his allergies and asthma. I do take meds daily but I would much rather just be happy if I can get it for them. My fingers are crossed on that situation and I am praying. Josh has got very sick and even got pneumonia before without his medications.
 We was expecting his last check this past Friday to be in the bank but it was not there!! The money we did have is what I got my medications with because I thought his check was going in. They are mailing it and of course this is a holiday week! That just messed us up so much because of the bills we pay on that day so I will not be surprised if Charter does not cut the cable and Internet off before we get his check. That is not the big worry though it is just scary when you have NO MONEY!!
 And the last but not least, is my camera broke:( that just hurt my feelings. When you have kids a camera is a lot. I still enjoy looking at all my pictures of my babies because it is memories you cannot get back. This is not a life or death thing but just something I cherished and with our money situation I don't know when we will be able to get another one.
 All these things are going wrong but I am just glad we did kinda prepare ourselves for things to go wrong when we decided to live our lives for Jesus. I got to say that Michael and I have got down but it is amazing that we still felt so incredible when we went to church. We really are staying strong and we do know that everything will be okay. If God was not on our side I don't think we would have such a calm feeling inside as we do. I am so thankful that I do have God on my side now and we do have the people in our lives that we do have. I can't imagine going through these challenges we are facing, without hope. It is sad to look at the unemployment status and know that  most of those people don't have God in their lives. We are just so thankful to have something to look forward to.